The Deadpool of Parenting
America, we have a problem. Our society, once great and envied world wide, is now circling the proverbial drain. I’m not sure how we got here and it seems, everyday, I’m reminded just how close to extinction common sense has become. Who’s to blame for my pessimistic view of American life, you may ask. Off the cuff, I’d say Reality Television is the culprit. Think about it…The “Real Housewives” are neither “real” nor “housewives”, “The Bachelor” is speed dating for the shallow and mentally incapacitated, and “Teen Mom” is a 43 minute advertisement for Planned Parenthood. And given the opportunity, you all know who I’d point a finger at first:
Yup. I’m not going to bore you by rehashing my loathing of her or her brood. I’m merely going to say that O.J. could’ve done us all a favor if she’d been the one visiting Nicole that night. Has our obsession with these train wrecks of humanity desensitized us to living our best possible lives? What happened to the good ol’ days of morals, ethics, and common sense? Are we now supposed to live our lives by their examples? Because if we are, I failed to get the memo. And let me tell you, I will be a very loud voice of dissent if what I witnessed this weekend continues to be the norm. Trending or not.
Like many others this Valentine’s Day weekend, I went to the movies. Not because I had a date with a special fella, but because I had a date with my newly discovered Spirit Animal, Deadpool. For those of you who aren’t familiar, Deadpool is a Marvel Comics character who is the anti-superhero. He’s snarky, sarcastic, foul mouthed and has zero f*cks left to give as he exacts revenge on the people who wronged him. (And if you know me, you’d know that, aside from the penis, this character is 100% me.)
So, imagine my surprise when, in an R rated movie, there are several children in the theatre to see this movie. By several I mean at least thirty. And by children, I mean tiny humans with under developed brains who have yet to reach a double digit birthday.
I’m not a parent and I don’t pretend to know the internal struggle that must take place when debating whether or not you should pay for a babysitter or expose your child to a movie whose opening titles credit some“asshats” for producing and “a total douchebag” for directing. Which are hilarious until you hear those kids asking their parents, “What’s an Asshat?” “Can I have a douchebag?” I recall a moment in time from my youth when an “Indiana Jones” movie was too violent to be considered a PG Rated film and the parents of America lost their minds over a couple of bad CGI effects that, arguably, didn’t fool even us kids into thinking something awful was happening. The message was clear, though, “PROTECT THE CHILDREN!” and the MPAA bowed to the masses. Thus, the PG-13 Rating was born. Now, I go to a matinee of a film that could have easily rated NC-17 for the language alone, and the theater is loaded with morons voluntarily bringing their 10 and under set to see it. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED, AMERICA?!!
Which brings us to the “Asshat” who sat in front of me with three of the most obnoxious kids I’ve ever seen. Seriously, if I hadn’t already lost my uterus, exposure to those kids would’ve been enough to cause it and my ovaries dry up and shrivel away in a cloud of dust. They were rude, loud, and showed no respect to anyone and Daddy “Asshat” was too busy texting on his smartphone to monitor his kids. I was with my two BGF’s (Best Gay Friends) and one of them had to shame him into putting his phone away 10 minutes into the movie by asking him “Are you so important that you can’t go to a movie without texting someone for 5 minutes because the world might end?” To which he replied, “No, Dude. It’s ok. I saw this movie yesterday.”
Since I had been battling a cold for the better part of a week and I had an overwhelming desire to make his experience as miserable as he was making ours, so every time I had to cough, I leaned directly over him. Eventually, he got up to leave and I was ecstatic watching him climb over people as he left the theatre. My joy was short lived, however, when I realized he left without the ankle biters. Now, there were three extremely unpleasant, badly behaved, mini-asshats alone in an R rated movie without supervision. I stopped counting after the fourth time they were shushed by the crowd, the multiple times they were told to sit down and was actually relieved when “Asshat” Senior returned 40 minutes later. It was at this point, my friend “Big Gay Daddy” decided to fight fire with fire. The kids became obsessed with the many, many blowjob jokes in the movie and thought nothing of turning to other people, myself included, and saying, “I’m gonna give YOU a blowjob!” To which, Big Gay Daddy responded with, “Be sure to tickle the balls while you’re down there.” Not to be out done, I gave them this face for the full effect:
Later, out in the parking lot as we were walking to our car, we could still here the little bastards screaming “I CAN’T WAIT TO GIVE CARTER A BLOWJOB!!” Yes, it would seem Carter would be having a better Valentine’s Day than we were, but I also was secretly hoping Carter was a dog. We turned around to see them chasing each other in and around the cars that were trying to pull out of the lot. “Asshat” was too engrossed in his phone to notice the certain death they were tempting once we found our car.
So, America, this is why we are falling behind every other developed country in the world. If we (yes, I said we. I truly believe it takes a f*cking village.) cannot teach our kids the difference between what’s right and what’s wrong; what behavior is acceptable and what behavior isn’t, how can we expect them to know the difference as adults? Adults with voting privileges. Think about that for a second and try to see a future where we’re not completely screwed. Oh, I know many of you will think it’s easy for me and my BGF’sto point out parenting flaws in others. Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t. All I know is what I saw; the childless people in the theatre were to left to “parent” the kids in the R rated movie they shouldn’t have been allowed to see while their actual parents did nothing. If this is the world we live in, if these are the new rules of our society, then I am officially warning you: Be very careful what you wish for. You do not want me and my friends parenting your kids, trust me. You never know when we’ll be sitting behind you and just like Deadpool, we have zero f*cks left to give.