Free to a good home; a slightly dented, previously owned uterus.
This is a copy of a Craig’s List Ad I posted a few weeks ago. Don’t judge. Shit was getting real and I was desperate…
Here's how it read:
"Free to a good home; a slightly dented, previously owned uterus."
"Anybody interested in a previously owned uterus? I have one that I can't seem to get rid of. I've been told it's freakishly small to the point of being absurd. And it bleeds a lot. A hella lot. Like I sometimes wake up thinking I'm in the middle of a crime scene. I’ll even throw in my fallopian tubes, cervix, and one of my ovaries. I’m keeping the left ovary to try and keep a little estrogen in my body for as long as possible. The right one, however, you can keep. She’s a total bitch. Any takers? Would it help to know that I’m an organ donor? So, you can just take it. I’ll even write you a receipt. Where are all the people with the little red and white beer coolers when you need them? If interested, please call 1-888- 4UTERUS or email : firstname.lastname@example.org. Serious inquiries only. "
Let me start at the beginning. Four years ago, I found out I was allergic to Soy. Not really a secret. I’ve written about it before. There was a incident at work, I went to an allergist and life, as I knew it, changed forever. I had to eliminate Soy from every aspect of my life. Especially, my diet. I re-learned how to eat, shop, cook and clean. As time passed, it became easier to deal with the challenge of a life threatening allergy. However, what no one anticipated, was the impact it would have on my reproductive system. A year after being diagnosed, I started having problems with my periods. At the time, I assumed my body was dealing with the stress of having just moved to Los Angeles. A logical conclusion, right? Wrong. I started my period in March and it didn’t stop until the end of June. And it wasn’t just that I was bleeding, I was bleeding like a stuck pig. Every morning my bed looked like I attended the f*cking Red Wedding in Game of Thrones.
All my male friends kept tip toeing around while looking at me like “HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!” I knew needed help.
The first gynecologist I went to, was young, perky, and personable. She consulted with me to obtain a little bit of my medical history and later, performed an exam and an ultrasound. The ultrasound revealed three ovarian cysts; two on my right ovary and one the left. I had experienced ovarian cysts in the past, but never three at once and never with all the f*cking bleeding. The doctor sent me away for a few weeks to see if the cysts would dissipate on their own. If they didn’t, I was to return and we’d take a different approach . Three weeks passed, and the bleeding never stopped. I went back to her and she seemed really perplexed. She performed another ultrasound and the cysts we’re gone. So, the question became “why was I still bleeding?” We talked options; Birth Control Pills, Endometrial Ablation and possibly, a Hysterectomy. I told her how I was the only woman in my immediate family to still have her uterus past forty. (Not that it mattered, really, but I was proud of that accomplishment.You take the wins when you can get them, you know what I mean?) And I even mentioned that my sister had lost her uterus at 35 to Endometriosis. I though maybe that was related to me and my issue, but she didn’t think so. Ultimately, we decided to do a D&C. She wanted to analyze the tissue to see if it held more information. The following week I went in for my D&C and everything went well and I was home by mid afternoon. A few days later, my doctor calls me and says the results of my tissue samples came back and there was little to no estrogen in the tissue they took from my uterus. WTF?! Can that even happen?!
She seemed as dumbfounded as I was but we talked about options. Her best educated guess was that it was linked to my Soy allergy. My estrogen levels must have been depleted before the diagnosis and when my new diet eliminated Soy completely it caused my levels to completely bottom out. How? This is what my research revealed:
*“Phytoestrogens are compounds found in plants that are chemically similar to the hormone estrogen. Normally thought of as involved in female reproduction, estrogens control many important aspects for the body in men and women: metabolism, bone and blood vessel health, skin tone, cholesterol level, fluid balance and sexual desire. Soy is one of the richest sources of phytoestrogen, containing the highest levels of isoflavones in food. Soy isoflavones activate your body's estrogen receptors, proteins that detect the presence of estrogen and carry out effects such as changes in gene expression. However, isoflavones do so more weakly than your body's natural estrogen. If estrogen is absent, isoflavones weakly activate the estrogen receptor, mitigating the effect of low estrogen. If estrogen is abundant, isoflavones interfere with the activity of natural estrogen, limiting the effect of high estrogen levels. Since the structure of isoflavones is similar to estrogen, isoflavones may decrease your body's production of estrogen and increase the rate of estrogen degradation due to feedback mechanisms that control estrogen levels.”* - Healthy Eating - sfgate.com
So, according to my doctor, my body was supplementing the Soy in my diet to counter for the lack of estrogen. Then I removed Soy from my diet and then there was no estrogen at all and my body freaked the f*ck out thus causing scary, nasty periods that destroyed my wardrobe and all of my sheets. The next obstacle was to try and find a synthetic estrogen not derived from Soy, which proved to be more difficult than we thought. In the end, I ended up with a prescription for very large doses of Premarin that had to brought in from Japan. For those of you not familiar, Premarin is predominately made from horse pee. That’s right. Horse. Pee. And yes, we had to have it brought it from Japan because everything we looked at made in the USA had Soy in it. Just like our food supply. F*ckers.
For six weeks or so, I had to take two very large Premarin tablets three times a day. Obviously, I was concerned about side effects. What if I started to display affection for pony play or counting with my feet? I wouldn't have to continue to taking it, would I? I mean, F*ck my ovaries! She assured me I would be fine and wanted me to come back in two weeks to give her time to find a birth control pill that wasn’t made from Soy. I wasn’t thrilled about being on birth control, but at the time, I didn’t see any way around it. The impact of the Premarin was instantaneous. Most notably, my skin. I pinked right up! I no longer looked pale and gray. And with that dramatic a change in my complexion, you would’ve thought I would have seen it long before all of this started, but you know what they say about hindsight…
The saga will continue in Part 2 which will be posted soon!