Diagnosing the Vernacular
2011 for me, so far, has been all about my health. I’ve seen more doctors in the last four months than I’ve seen in the last four years. I consider myself to be a healthy adult, but ,just like my car, I’ve needed some maintenance in order to stay running well. But it was at an appointment yesterday, I noticed I’m finally able to interpret the most convoluted “Doctor Speak” into layman's terms; as if a veil had been lifted. I’m not sure why I’m able to do this now as opposed to my younger years. Maybe I have reached an age where my brain can see through Political Correctness as plain old chicanery because I just don’t give a sh*t anymore. Or perhaps, I’ve hit my quota of insufferable office visits thus rendering all the red tape & HMO bullsh*t they put you through as time served. Whatever the reason, I’m happy to share my new found discovery with you.
When your doctor’s nurse asks “How are you doing today?”, they don’t really mean it. They’re no more interested in you than you are in them. They’re just counting down the seconds until they can put you on a scale in front of all of their colleagues and determine who won the pot in the “How much weight has she gained ?” contest.
If the nurse says, “Your blood pressure is a little on the high side”. What she means is, “You’re one Chick-fil-A sandwich away from a major coronary.”
When your Doctor asks, “Do you have an exercise regimen in place that contains at least a 20min of Cardio?”. What he means is “Get your fat ass to a gym as soon as humanly possible.”
If your Dermatologist says, “I’d like to remove a couple of moles that look troublesome.” What she’s actually saying is “I’m a sadomasochist who’s going to cut two huge craters into your skin with a melon baller that are going to hurt like canker sores that have been soaked in salt water for the next 2 weeks.”
When you Doctor says, “Given your family history, I’d like to err on the side of caution.” What he means is, “Fate and DNA are about to gang rape you on a cellular level in an effort to keep their bid for the 2015 Cancer Festival alive and well.”
If the Lab Tech, who’s about to draw your blood, says, “You’re gonna feel a little pinch.” What she means is, “I’m about to shove a needle the size of a 727 into your arm and hope to God you don’t pass out because I don’t get paid enough to pick your fat ass up off the floor.”
When your Doctor says, “Have a great day!” What he means is, “I’m hoping I’ve done enough damage to your self esteem & psyche, that you hit the nearest Taco Bell drive thru on your way home thus keeping me in business for the next twenty years.”
HealthCare reform my ass…